The Tin Man has Dreams
“This isn’t what life was supposed to be” The title of a youtube video I watched recently. And both the title and the contents have been ping ponging around in my head.
This isn’t what life is supposed to be.
A year ago, I had my final presentation of college of which I promptly left for a flight to New York for the weekend for some track meet. “My new life starts today” is what I convinced myself. I didn’t think that a year later I’d have applied to a hundred jobs and desperate to freelance wherever I can to prove that I am good enough to work in a field full of talented people. A month prior, I had interviewed with my dream organization in soccer. The sport that has stuck with me, and I it, through everything.
I don’t think my life started that day. It started years prior when the fears and anxieties of the real world didn’t permeate so deeply. I struggle to really digest all these feelings and thoughts, and it is hard for me to embrace my emotions when I try. In high school, some kids would compare me to the Tin Man. The character known for not having a heart. No feeling. I would get constant reminders from people how I’m hard to read and am “emotionless.” Which wasn’t true.
I have a lot of time to think. At any point in my day, I’m either thinking about my life, thinking of ideas, aspirations, or I’m actively distracting myself from even having a brain. A shell of a person I was a year ago. Or maybe that’s the prefrontal cortex developing. With all these complicated thoughts, I don’t really have an outlet like I used to. So now I write. I used to hate writing. I would tell people I do video in the journalism school because I hated it so much. But now me and writing are chill.
It makes me feel smart when I can put my thoughts on paper or keyboard. And it eases the inside feeling that if no one knows what I’m thinking, I just might explode. The average solution would be to talk to people, but I am not particularly good at that. Never have been. Hence Eli the Tin Man. And to be fully honest, I’ve never felt as lonely as I do these days. I haven’t always been the best friend, but I do really care about my people. And there’s an extra deep sadness when you feel you care more than they do about you. The passing thoughts and unsent texts keep me up at night. I should probably just call.
Update Aug 11, 2026: I write a lot on this blog and never publish. Though I will now. I may be an egomaniac, but I really rock with my brain and want a place to look back on. And here—is not the aether. It’s a place that I hope someone will read, learn about me, maybe understand my brain a bit and maybe feel better about things.
